Resolving Honest Conflict
by Tara Wentworth
We have just finished our third “date night” (Ten Great Dates) with couples who have been married as little as 3 years to some who have been married over 40 years! I am sure each couple came with different expectations. Some hoping to put that “spark” back into their marriage, some with some very specific goals, others perhaps hoping for an overall “tune up”. We have been having fun getting to know each other, focusing on a particular area each night.
Next week we will be focusing on resolving honest conflict. The content of this article comes from the third chapter of David and Claudia Arp’s book, Ten Great Dates, which is the curriculum we are using for our date nights.
Dr. David Mace says in his book Love and Anger in Marriage that the biggest problem in marriage is not lack of communication, but the inability to handle and process anger.
The Arps give certain characteristics of the different ways each of us handles conflict – from withdrawal and avoidance of the issues to attacking and aggressive behavior. None of these are acceptable if we are to bring resolution to the conflict. They key to resolving conflict really isn’t the issue you are arguing about, rather, it is to develop a way to look at that issue from the same side, working as a TEAM.
Last week we talked about learning to express your feelings properly so that you can focus on the issue without attacking or blaming each other. The Arp’s give four helpful steps for resolving conflict. First, agree on what the issue is and that you both want a solution. Secondly, identify which of you needs a solution and how the other one has contributed to the problem. Step three is to consider possible solutions to the problem. Step four is to select a plan of action from your list of possible solutions.
Obviously most plans involve some give and take. One author states there are three ways to reach a resolution – Compromise, Capitulation and Coexistence. All of these can be used in a positive way to reach an answer that will ultimately bring more peace and satisfaction into the marriage.
The Arps made a very succinct statement: “As long as we are married or alive, we will face hard situations and have to make choices. The dullest marriages on earth are the ones where both spouses have decided to coexist and merely tolerate one another – no conflict but no intimacy either.”
So, is your marriage worth the effort it will take to become team players and work through the conflicts that will arise? I hope you answered with an enthusiastic “Yes”!
| Name | Size | Type | Last Modified |
| TFAM article - Having an Intentional Marriage | 35.6 KB | File | 3/12/2009 12:57:34 PM |
| TFAM article - Leaving a Legacy | 25 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:53 AM |
| TFAM article - Praying for our Leaders | 24.5 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:55 AM |
| TFAM article - Resolving Honest Conflict | 24 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:51 AM |
| TFAM article - Three Magic Words | 24 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:58 AM |
| TFAM article -Learning to Talk | 24.5 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:56 AM |