STEPFAMILIES
by Scott and Chris Farney
There are words that we use every day that even as they are spoken people have different mental pictures and views of what that word means. Using the “step” word sometimes generates an unfriendly and complicated picture. That’s my family. A complicated but wonderful picture of a stepfamily, my husband, Scott has a beautiful daughter and I have 2 amazing sons. There are many things that make the picture complicated, like additional parents, new and surprising responsibilities and lack of relationship at the beginning. I would say the thing that complicates stepfamilies the most
would be unrealistic expectations. We have in our mind what we “expect” to happen in almost every situation, especially in our families, and when that’s not the end result, we sometimes allow emotions and feelings to take over.
Here are a few of the unrealistic expectations I had. We would be able to love and nurture our children and fix all the stuff that had happened to them prior to our marriage. Scott and I would agree on identical discipline and rewards for all three of our children. He would take all the pressure off me financially and be the disciplinarian. My sons would love Scott as much as I do and Denise would love me and accept me as her second mother. We would just be one big happy family that would get along with each other all the time.
Reality set in a not long after the wedding. At that point, Scott and I had built a wonderful relationship over time and we had to realize that with the kids it would take even longer because of the issues that held them back from accepting someone new into their life.
Not only did I have some expectations but so did Scott and each of our children. We didn’t verbalize what we expected so we stayed upset when things didn’t work out right. We finally came to the point that we had to lay everything out and look at what we really wanted in our family. The things that really matter like our faith, a peaceful home, a safe and secure environment and respect for each other.
It takes the willingness to try new things to see if they work and the ability to admit when they don’t. It takes learning new skills, it takes cooperation and it takes lots of selflessness and sincere commitment. Of all the things that we spend our time and energy on, what could be more important than your marriage, your children and the future of your family? When we went through the training for the Smart Steps curriculum, we understood why some things work in a stepfamily and why some things don’t. It’s not about the right and wrong way, it’s about finding what works for your family and following through with it.
Scott and I are about to celebrate our 5th anniversary and though we started our life together at a different point than many couples do, our goals are much the same. We want to raise our children and know that when Denise, Josh and Wayne are on their own in the world, we gave them the best education, a happy home life, and all the love that we could. We want to ensure that they will have what they need to raise their own children or stepchildren. We want to be an example for them to see what a good marriage looks like so they can pass it down to future generations.
| Name | Size | Type | Last Modified |
| TFAM article - Having an Intentional Marriage | 35.6 KB | File | 3/12/2009 12:57:34 PM |
| TFAM article - Leaving a Legacy | 25 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:53 AM |
| TFAM article - Praying for our Leaders | 24.5 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:55 AM |
| TFAM article - Resolving Honest Conflict | 24 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:51 AM |
| TFAM article - Three Magic Words | 24 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:58 AM |
| TFAM article -Learning to Talk | 24.5 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:56 AM |