A MARRIAGE KILLER
By
Wendy Caulley
Recently, I was at a wedding shower and the guests were asked to write some wisdom that would benefit the new bride. I remember someone told her to let her husband win in cards. Another word of wisdom was not to gripe or nag. Another suggestion was found in Ecclesiastes 4:12 which says. “Two can stand back to back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” A cord of three strands is the strongest one and with God in the middle it is almost unbeatable. Another word of advice is that conflict is normal and to learn constructive ways to deal with conflict without name calling or escalating to violence. There are many words spoken in anger that can’t be taken back and can cause hurt for years to come. Another bit of wisdom is, “don’t marry a man expecting him to change.” All of these words of wisdom are wonderful and if followed can help make a great marriage, but I would like to add two more. They are be quick to forgive and quicker to forget and to verbalize all of your undisclosed expectations.
I personally believe that our unwritten and undisclosed expectations can hurt a marriage. The mate with the expectations is constantly judging the other with a standard that has not been voiced, so there is no way the spouse can win because he/she doesn’t know what the rules are or what is expected of them.
The mate with the expectations becomes critical and judgmental. If the mate has unresolved issues from childhood a simple thing like not taking the garbage out can turn into something big. An example would be if you really loved me and cared about me you would take the garbage out. But, the other spouse is clueless about the garbage because it has never been discussed, and now it is a matter of love for the other mate. When we discuss communication in marriage it is more that I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow or Johnny got an A on his spelling test. There are different level of communication from what happened at work today, what is going on with the children to words of love and tenderness shared by a married couple.
Communications takes time, understanding and openness. When you are going to discuss issues that have not been discussed some ground rules may be important. One rule might be to listen to what the spouse is saying without comment or judgment and validate the mate even if you think it is unimportant. If you expect your spouse to open up it should be in a safe environment.
It is hard to love a spouse or show love to a spouse when we don’t know what they expect. So, I would encourage you to have a date night without the children and start sharing those expectations with each other. Just think if you shared one expectation a week and try working on it that at the end of the year 52 expectations would have been worked on. It could turn a life around. It could turn a marriage around. Don’t forget to share expectations and boundaries with the children. Many times we wait till our children miss the mark before we punish them. A healthier approach might be to establish the rules and expectations ahead of time so your children would know what is expected.
| Name | Size | Type | Last Modified |
| TFAM article - Having an Intentional Marriage | 35.6 KB | File | 3/12/2009 12:57:34 PM |
| TFAM article - Leaving a Legacy | 25 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:53 AM |
| TFAM article - Praying for our Leaders | 24.5 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:55 AM |
| TFAM article - Resolving Honest Conflict | 24 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:51 AM |
| TFAM article - Three Magic Words | 24 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:58 AM |
| TFAM article -Learning to Talk | 24.5 KB | Microsoft Word Document | 2/26/2009 11:19:56 AM |